Dark Secret: Abuse in Relationships

Abuse

Gay men in Victoria and elsewhere on Vancouver Island are being abused. Right
now, right here. We often like to think that we in the gay community are somehow
removed from the kind of abuse that goes on in straight relationships -- but
it turns out that we are not immune from the scourge of domestic violence.

Study after study has demonstrated that physical, emotional and psychological
abuse are a significant problem in gay relationships. Yet there are scarce resources,
if any, for gay men who are the victims of domestic violence. Unlike lesbian
victims of abuse, men cannot go to women's shelters. In very few places are
there any resources for male victims of domestic violence, whether
the relationship is straight or gay.

One extensive survey carried out in the UK recently found that three out of
every 100 men had been subject to sexual abuse by another male as an adult.
That's 3/100 men, not just gay men. Of that three percent, one in five had been
raped by another man. In the US, a major study found that the number of reported
incidents of domestic violence among LGBT couples rose 23% from 1998 - 1999.
That, however, may be a good thing as it may reflect an increased level of reporting,
rather than increased violence. The same study showed that violence was about
equally shared between men's and women's relationships (National Coalition of
Anti-Violence Programs, U.S.).

Myths

Myth #1: Men are rarely abused.

Many men find themselves in abusive relationships, straight or gay. The myth
that men are rarely abused contributes to feelings of isolation that make it
difficult for men to recognize abuse, seek help or leave abusive relationships.

Myth #2: Violence between men is normal. Boys will be boys.

Physical or verbal attacks and manipulation are abusive. There is nothing normal
about it; abuse is very different from consensual rough play fighting or consensual
aggressive sex.

Myth #3: Abuse in gay male relationships is just S&M.

S&M sexual play (sadomasochism) is consensual and respectful of the partner's
limits and boundaries. Abuse is neither.

Fear

Most gay men who are in abusive situations fear reporting their abuse for a
number of reasons:

• Distrust of the police and fear of re-victimization/verbal abuse by police.
  
• The wimp factor (the idea that real men can't be abused) causes
  self doubt.
  
• Fear of public humiliation and scorn .
  
• Fear of not being taken seriously (by family, friends, authorities).

Warning Signs

Abuse can be:

• Physical. Hitting, choking, slapping, burning, shoving,
  using a weapon, restraining, withholding basic needs.
  
• Isolation. Controlling contacts with friends or family,
  preventing access to information or support, locking up in a room or not letting
  out of the house/apartment.
  
• Psychological/Emotional. Constant criticizing, ridiculing
  (you or your loved ones), humiliation, put-downs in front of others, underminding
  self-esteem.
  
• Stalking/Harassing. Unwanted following, turning up at
  place of work or home, refusing to leave, constant phone calls.
  
• Threats. Threatening to harm you or your loved ones, including
  pets. Threatening to disclose HIV status or sexual orientation to others (family,
  friends, employer).
  
• Economic. Controlling or stealing your money, threatening
  to undermine economic stability or finances.
  
• Sexual. Forcing sex, pressuring you into unwanted sex,
  criticizing sexual performance, ridiculing your body or penis size. Refusing
  to use protection despite your wishes.
  

Help

• 
  Recognize that you are not responsible for being abused.
  
• 
  Realize that the abuse is unlikely to stop on its own.
  
• 
  Break the silence! Tell someone you trust.
  
• 
  Seek help from a gay-affirmative counsellor. See Jim at MWP for support
  and referral to the right person.
  
• 
  Develop a safety plan that includes: a safe place to stay, emergency phone
  numbers, your own bank account and an escape bag to take with you when you
  can leave.
  
• 
  Report the abuse. Contact the Diversity Unit of the Victoria Police and
  ask for Sgt. Derek Chow or Constable Terry Albrecht (Gay Community-Police
  Liaison Officer). href="mailto:chowd@police.victoria.bc.ca">chowd@police.victoria.bc.ca
  995-7654.
  

The MESH (Men's Emergency Services and Housing) Project (Victoria) has strongly
indicated to MWP their support for gay/bi men in abusive/violent domestic situations.
MWP has developed a working relationship with the men of MESH and refers with
confidence to their services as a gay-affirmative source of support.

href="http://www.vicmesh.ca/">Visit the MESH website!

Further Resources:

Visit href="http://www.web.apc.org/~jharnick/violence.html">Gay on Gay Violence
for lots of great links and information.

Dark Secret first appeared in the Summer, 2002 issue of Men's
Briefs, the newsletter of the Men's Wellness Program. If you are
on Vancouver Island and would like to subscribe (free) to Men's Briefs,
contact us!

Resources for Dark Secret:

• href="http://www.gayhealth.com/">www.gayhealth.com href="http://www.salon.com/">www.salon.com
• href="http://www.thebody.com/">www.thebody.com
• www.rainbownetwork.com